by Nic Koelliker March 28, 2018


Basic Communication

When you get home you ask how her day was, discuss what is for dinner, and maybe share a story or two about your day. Remember when you were dating and you would ask each other question after question that led to more questions and a better understanding of one another? Why did you stop asking questions? Do you know everything there is to know? Dig deeper! Don’t just ask her how her day was. Ask her what her favorite part of the day was and why. Ask her what the hardest part about her day was and why. Find out how she is feeling, what she is experiencing, and what she cares about. Talk about your relationship. Find out what you can do to make her happier or to make her life easier. Communicate in the right ways. Don’t get stuck having the same conversation every day.

You never change

How many times have you told your wife you would try harder at something or do something differently only to end up in the same pattern a few weeks later? If there is something you are doing or not doing that bothers your wife you must make an effort to change permanently. Show her that you are willing to make an effort. The little annoyances add up. Is she constantly asking you to put your dishes in the sink? Is she constantly asking you to help more with the cleaning? Does she ask you to spend more time with the kids? Every time she has to ask it builds up resentment; which causes stress. She loves you but there are always little things that we can do to change and build a happier relationship.

There is no romance and excitement

After years of marriage it is easy to get too busy and forget about doing romantic things. You don’t have to take her on a trip to Paris and buy her expensive jewelry every month but you must make a consistent effort in order to show her that you love and appreciate her. Show her that you are thinking about her and that you want her to be happy. This can be date nights, flowers, a no strings attached massage, game nights, surprise her with her favorite dessert, or just a quiet sunset walk together holding hands. You must make an effort! Women love to get validation of your love….and I don’t mean in the physical sense. I mean through communication, gifts, surprises, favors, etc. Do the work. Be romantic and create excitement in your relationship.

She does all the cooking

It starts out with her making dinner more often than you do. But soon it ends up being her making dinner every night and you occasionally ordering the pizza. Maybe she thinks she is going to be the next winner on Chopped or Master Chef and she absolutely loves to cook. You still need to take your turn. Maybe you are a terrible cook. How about you cook together so you can learn? The point is that you need to share the responsibility. You think you are too tired from your long day at work? Well, maybe she is more exhausted from chasing the kids around all day. Maybe you both work and you are both tired at the end of the day. Why should cooking be her responsibility? You both eat, right? You both need to cook. Take turns or do it together but don’t expect her to be responsible every single night. The burden of that adds up over time.

She does all the cleaning

Why is your wife always stressed

The same goes for cleaning as it goes for cooking. You both live together in the same house so you both need to keep it clean. I don’t care if you work two jobs and she is a stay at home mom. You both live there and you both need to clean. It is not fair to put that responsibility on one person or expect that one person is more responsible simply because they are in the house more than the other. Maybe you split it up in an even way or make a deal that if she does the cleaning inside the house then you do all the yard work outside along with all maintenance and repairs. Have an understanding so you are both putting in an even amount of effort and energy to maintaining a clean and safe residence. The bottom line is if she is doing more of the cleaning she is going to be upset about it and that causes stress.


She feels like a single parent

Imagine you are a stay at home dad and it is summer; which means your kids are out of school. By the end of the day you are going to be exhausted. You literally spend the entire day starting at the butt crack of dawn entertaining and taking care of your kids. You got them ready, you fed them, you broke up fights, you took them to the park, you made them lunch that they didn’t eat, you read to them, watched ridiculously annoying television with them, threw away things they broke that you spent lots of money on, and didn’t sit down once all day. Then your wife comes home, gives you a kiss and a smack on the ass and heads upstairs to watch ESPN highlights while pretending to go to the bathroom. After that she eats the dinner you prepared, yells at the kids for being too loud, and then goes to the gym for 2 hours. By the time she gets home, you’ve given the kids a bath, read a bedtime story to them, and fell asleep in a child size bed with your 2 year old who can’t sleep alone because your wife let him watch the original Willy Wonka movie. It is about this time that your wife tracks you down, wakes you up, demands sex….and makes you do all the work.  Literally the only thing you are getting out of this relationship is sex and in most cases you are too exhausted to enjoy it.

You must be an involved parent and husband. “Working” all day doesn’t give you a pass to be lazy and selfish. You cannot be a weekend parent. You need to give your wife and kids your full effort and attention the moment you walk through that door every day. Sure there are going to be days that you are exhausted but those should be few. Figure out a way to have enough energy to do all of the things you need to do to be a good husband and father. Play with your kids, help with dinner, clean, do laundry, coach the soccer team, read to your kids, tell them stories, go on adventures, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE TIME YOU HAVE! Soon your kids will be grown and all you will have left is the wife you neglected while raising them. Don’t let that happen.

She never has time and space for herself

Your wife puts herself very low on the priority list. Before her comes you, the kids, work, cleaning, cooking, PTA or church responsibilities, homework, dishes, laundry, friends, neighbors, and so many other things. She has no time for reading, working out, relaxing, watching her favorite show, taking a bath, or for having any sort of hobby. How stressful! It is your responsibility to your wife to make her happy. Making sure she has time for herself needs to be a priority. Every once in a while come home with takeout, have a quick dinner as a family, and take the kids to the park. Tell your wife that the next 2 hours are hers. If she usually puts the kids to bed take a turn and let her enjoy reading a book on the porch as the sun is setting. Maybe take a day off from work to watch the kids and send her to the spa for the day. Find time to give her time. Before she was a mom or a wife she was a woman with interests and hobbies. She is still that woman and it is your responsibility to give her time for herself.

She never has enough time in a day

She is busy. What can you do to lighten her load? How can you make her day easier? Can you run some errands for her on your lunch break? Can you stop at the store on your way home? Can you stay up late to get your stuff done after spending the evening helping her with her stuff? Here is some food for thought. A great husband doesn’t ask, “What can I do to help?” A great husband is already helping.

You are always right

Do you always have to be right? Try this out…let her be right sometimes. Even if you know you are right, just tell her she is right and that you love her. Try to understand her point of view. Maybe you think her perspective is “wrong” but actually it is simply different. Imagine how frustrating it would be to be married to someone who is constantly telling you that you are wrong. This makes one feel small and insignificant. It makes her feel as though her opinions don’t matter; that she doesn’t matter. Your wife should know that you value her opinion and advice. She should know that you think she is smart and that you trust her. Always being wrong can send one into depression. Don’t let that happen to inflate your own ego.

She is in charge of too much

What things is your wife in charge of that you can take off her plate? Does she usually help the kids with their homework? Is she the one that usually gives the kids a bath? Is she the one trying to teach your son not to pee in the front closet? Maybe you can step up to lighten her load. Find some things that your wife is doing on a regular basis that you can do for her. Make her life a little bit easier.

She is sad

A major cause of anxiety is depression. The world is different when you are depressed. When one is sad or depressed it is easy for anxiety to creep in. There can be a lack of motivation or excitement for daily tasks. As a result stuff backs up, schedules get complicated, mistakes are made, and frustration and dissatisfaction takes over. This can lead to resentment, arguments, fighting, and all sorts of other problems in a marriage. If your wife is sad you need to do everything mentions in each of the above topics: communicate, change, create romance & excitement, cook, clean, be involved, give her time for herself, let her be right and lighten her load. Doing all of these things consistently will let her know that you love and support her. Hopefully that will help her overcome her sadness and find the motivation she needs to take the proper steps towards happiness. What can you do when she is sad? Be a good husband.

Nic Koelliker
Nic Koelliker


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